War of the Mary Sues
by NessNess
Summary: The War has begun, but the turtles can't take sides. What war? you ask, and what turtles? Why, the war of the Mary Sues. And the turtles are old friends of Captain Jack Sparrow. Dear Buddha, child! Where have YOU been? ¤PARTS OPEN! Wanna be in it?¤
1. Of Shirtless Will¤Jack and Mary Sues

Disclaimers: Since I own a turtle, I think it's safe to say that I own everything connected with Pirates of the Caribbean.... ::notices the looks that lawyers are giving her:: Ok, maybe not then.

SUMMARY: The War has begun, but the turtles can't take sides. What war? you ask, and what turtles? Why, the war of the Mary Sues. And the turtles are old friends of Captain Jack Sparrow. Dear Buddha, child! Where have YOU been?

Author's Note: Yoness, my little flowery filling followers. How are you?! I'm great thanxz for asking. Oh, you were wondering about the FIC? I see. Um... well. I'm not really sure what I was smoking when I wrote this, so don't ask me. I just hit by the idea, and I er... just wrote it. I'm not used to writing humor fics (My only other ones are joint ones), so, just bear with me. 

Ok. Now that that's settled, on to the story!! 

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They were here. 

Millions of them. Hordes of them. Barrels of them. All of them, filling into Port Royal as if they belonged there.Many of them were sailing in on boats, others were swimming. Later, a few eye witnesses said that they saw a few of them _flying _in. But however they got there, and whatever the reason, everyone knew that Port Royal as they knew it, would be forever changed.

The Mary Sues had arrived.

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At the time of their arrival, our favorite heroes, Will Turner and Captain Jack Sparrow, had been working on The Black Pearl, shirts off as the hot sun beat down upon their necks and backs. (::SEMI NAKED JOHNNY, SEMI NAKED JOHNNY!::) They had no idea of the events that were happening, just outside the ship.

"Jack," Will said as he swiped at his sweaty forehead. "You do realize that it's about a hundred degrees outside, right?" Jack just nodded his head as he ducked under one of the lifeboats. Seeing this, Will continued. "So then why are we doing back-breaking work in the hot sun, when we could be doing other stuff, such as eating or drinking or-" Jack cut him off.

"Or visiting yer bonny lass Elizabeth Swann? Aye," he said, with a nod of his head, "we could do either of those things. But we could also finish working on this here boat, so that I can be out of Port Royal before Norrington comes to arrest me."

Will stopped working, and put a hand to his chest in mock indignation. "I would _never_ think of leaving The Black Pearl for a walk with Elizabeth. What do you think, I am? Some kind of deserter?"

Jack rolled his eyes as he worked a rope around the lifeboat. "And who do ye think I am? The queen of England?" He got a wistful look on his face for a moment, but shook it off as continued with the boat. "Save it, boy, for when you get hanged for Norrington for being an accomplice in... Just save it."

Will opened his mouth to respond, the look of forged ire still upon his features, but he was again cut off. Only this time, it was by voices coming from outside the ship.

"Yes, well, _my _brother, Frederick, had an incurable disease," a light-hearted female voice said, not sounded the least bit perturbed. "And the only one who could save him, was this shaman who lived deep in the heart of the Egyptian Desert. So, I, of course, went in search for him, to save my poor baby brother. I found him, and now my little Freddie is all better. In fact, he just started school in the beginning of this year."

"Oh, Adeline, that is _so_ amazing," another female answered, this time her voice deep and melodic. "Only, not as amazing as my having to learn to Captain a ship during the middle of a hurricane, so as to get all the hurt crew safely home. I was six at the time, and my head barely reached over the wheel."

"Oh _my, _Georgia. That certainly _is_ incredible. But, I must say, not as incredible as having _four_ published books by the age of eleven. They were written under a male pseudonym though." Here the woman let out a dreamy little sigh. "I wrote them as _William Turner_. Isn't he just to _die_ for?"

Hearing his name, Will looked up from his post at the other side of the lifeboat, the piece of rope stilled in his hand. Who _were_ these woman, and why were they saying his name with dreamy little sighs? He looked over the boat to Jack, and saw that he too was surprised. 

"Are you _kidding_, Jasmine?" A genuinely indignant woman asked. "_Certainly_ Captain Jack Sparrow is _much_ better looking than Will. What with his dark hair and eyes, and dashing figure. I think all that writing has gone to your head."

Another sigh went up between the woman, yet they were interrupted by the aforementioned Jasmine. "Are you inane, Courtney? William is _so_ much better than Jack. He's smart, good looking, and _so_ gifted. And," she finished with a secretive air to her words. "He has a great butt."

"_Oh my Gosh_!" A shy and reserved voice shot up, at the same time that Jack let out a great guffaw. Will would have smacked Jack, had he not heard what the second woman replied with. "But it's so _lumpy_! Not that I've been looking," she hastened to assure all of the other women. "But most _defiantly _Jack's is better."

Jack stopped laughing long enough to give Will a smug look. But once he looked over to the place that Will was only a second ago, he saw only air. He looked farther up, and saw his retreating back heading towards to dock. He scurried over to him.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Jack said hauntingly. "I remember this time in Singapore. I heard things just like this." He shuddered. "I warn ye not to go out there." 

Will just rolled his eyes and continued along the deck to the dock, not taking heed to Jack's words. He had probably been drunk at the time anyway. But, as he walked onto the deck, he wished that he had listened to him.

For as soon as he took one step onto the dock, a cry went up, and many, many, _many_ beautiful women let up a cry, and charged towards him. Hoping to get away from them -he had Elizabeth, after all- he turned around and started to run....

......And landed smack dab in the middle of Captain Jack Sparrow's chest. They both fell down, Will landing on top of Jack. 

"Owch," Jack muttered as Will hurried to get up. "Yer bloody heavy. Wouldn't think that from the thinness of ye though. _Bloody_ illusions. They're always out to get you." He noticed that Will was almost to the cabin of The Black Pearl. "Hey! Wait fer me!" He got up and ran to the cabin. He got there just as Will was about to shut the door. "Don't even think about it!" He yelled as he jumped into the room. He shut the door in one swift motion, locked it, and landed in a heap on the floor in front of the door. 

After a few moments of heavy breathing on both their parts, Will let out a shaking breath and said slowly, "Who were those women?"

Jack sadly, shaking his head at Will. "They're the same women I met years ago, at Singapore, thought not the same patch." He glared at Will. "I told ye not to go out there! But do ye listen to me? No, of course not! No one listens to the pirate."

For what felt like the millionth time that day, Will rolled his eyes. "That made absolutely no sense, Jack. Listen to a pirate? Right." He looked harder at Jack. "Now, tell me. Who were those women? Not pirates, I suppose. One said that she was a writer."

"Oh no, mate," Jack said, sighing slightly. "They're not pirates. Not even a pirate would be that persistent, that annoying." He swallowed. "On no. They're much worse. They're Mary Sues." 

"Mary whats? Jack, I don't understand."

"Mary _Sues_, boy. They're beautiful, annoying, fan girls that follow you around everywhere, as they remark about how much they love you." He shuddered. "Bloody Satan, is what they are."

Will was about to answer, a confused look on his face, when, suddenly, the door Jack was leaning about gave a mighty shake, pushing Jack forwards a few steps. A second later, it happened again.

"Bloody Hell!" Jack said, for once getting out of character (::cough:: Once ::cough::). "They're trying to break down the door!" 

"Ahh!" Will yelled, his voice coarse with fright. He jumped over to the door, pushing is closed with all his might. Jack did the same next to him. "We can't let them get in here! Who knows what they'll do!?"

"Probably rape us," Jack said sadly. He pushed harder upon the door as it gave another shudder, opening up a bit around the edges. 

"Dear God, no!"

"Right, mate. So that's why we gotta make sure that this door holds. We don't want to get raped by beautiful women that love us and will do anything to have us. WE MUST MAKE SURE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN!"

"I won't! I promise!"

"Great! Now, help me hold this door down! We don't want them to get in here!"

Just after Jack said this, the door gave another great tremble, almost sending both Will and Jack tumbling. No words were spoken as they both scurried to get against the door again, but the same thing was on their minds.

They were trapped.

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Wow. That took me all of an hour to write. I feel so sad and depressed and all that good stuff. I think I need a Vanilla Coke fill to help me get back to normal..... though, I've never really been normal. See how tiring my world is?

No, I hadn't thought so.

Anyhoo. Ima go. What'd ya think of it? Should I continue? Should I just stop writing? Humor fics, or in general? I MUST HAVE THESE ANSWERS NOW!!! ARGHHHHH!!

Oh! Duuuuude! I almost forgot. I need people to be Mary Sues. Actually, what I mean is, I need people to tell me info, and write a short little _amazing_ story for a Mary Sue. I also REALLY need one for Jack to fall in lurve with. So yea.

Shalom. 

Melissa


	2. Ooooo, Story Time!

Disclaimer: I own a printed-out picture of Jack Sparrow. Thus, I own everything connected to Pirates of the Caribbean! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ::cough:: ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY GOD!!!! ::lightning flashes:: **o.0 **Oooooooh, purdyful. 

No caffeine was harmed in the writing of this fic. 

Summary: The War has begun, but the turtles can't take sides. What war? you ask, and what turtles? Why, the war of the Mary Sues. And the turtles are old friends of Captain Jack Sparrow. Dear Buddha, child! Where have YOU been?

Summary for this Chapter: Um.... special stuff happens. Jack, somehow, gets drunk. Will and him play Truth or Dare. Jack gets Will pregnant... Duuuuuuude. I dunno what's gonna happen. I'm just the author. I'M NOT GOD! ::looks at _Disclaimer_:: Crap. I really gotta stop doing that. 

Author's Notes: Yoness, my homie G-Strings! Didn't you just luuuuuuurve my first chapter? Even though there were more than a few grammatical errors? OMG! YOU GUYS ROCK MY SOCK! Anyhoo. I'm home sick again today, so I guess I'll write you another chappy. 

And thanxz to everyone who reviewed!

Right-o then. On to the next chappy.

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"Oh _my_, Louise. That little old man stole your house, your carriage, your boat, _and_ your surprisingly non-heterosexual husband? What _ever _did you do?" One Mary Sue named Annabelle asked, her voice awed. She chose at this time to listen, saving her life-altering story for later.

"You know, Annie," Louise answered, her slight Scottish brogue sliding into her words. "At first, I had _no_ idea what I was going to do. I was marooned on a small island -did I fail to mention that earlier?- with only my ex-husband's gun and my make-up. It was very trying. Especially since my blush was all wet from my swimming. But it was _so easy_ how to get off the island, I don't know why I hadn't thought of it sooner."

"Oh, c'mon, lass!" One Mary Sue who's name was, coincidentally, Lass. She sat crossed-legged in front of Louise, her long legs folded perfectly, as she twirled around her finger a piece of lavender hair. (::Tankie Tankie, Beads!::) "Ye must tell me _'xactly _ how you managed this one. It migh' come in handy fer me, as Ima captain." She gloated. "And the best damn ca'pin in all the sea!"

"Well, _alright_, Lass dear. If you _insist_, I'll tell you." She took a perfectly calculated breath so as not to mess up her make-up. "I chopped down all of the trees on the island -not even breaking a nail, mind you- made a raft, tied it together with seaweed, and sailed all of the one hundred miles to the nearest port. My little dolphin friends helped me get along. It was rather easy, actually."

Next to her, one Sue named Sylvara blinked. (::And Tankie Tankie to you too, Reasonably crazy!::) "That's _so ingenious_, Louise! Yet I'm almost _certain_ that I wouldn't come up with that." She pouted her very full lips. "_My_ little conflict was _so_ much easier to solve."

Her interest piqued, Lass looked carefully at Sylvara. "And wha', pray tell, did _you_ do, Sylvara? Must be summat pretty amazin' if you got that pretty dress." 

Sylvara had the graciousness to blush. "Well. One day, while walking in the woods, I came upon a helpless unicorn. It was in some kind of magiked trap. I worked for days with no food or water. I tried to free the beautiful creature, often in peril of my own life, as the evil mage who had set up the trap tried again and again to retrieve his prize. After battling him off and finally freeing the Unicorn, He showed his gratitude by leading me to the secret place of the Elves. As it turned out, the Unicorn was their sacred creature, and to show their gratefulness for freeing him, they made me a royal priestess. After a few years, I felt I needed to move on, and now all I have left of their kindness is memories, clothes, and magical jewelry."

All the Sues around her blinked, and slowly inched away from her. 

"R_iiiiii_ght," Lass said, as she looked into Sylvara's dazzling blue-green eyes with her own brown ones (::Cough:: Lavender hair and brown eyes?::). "Couldn't you just tell something _truthful_, like getting forced to live in some evil over-lords' castle, or living in a poor country-side, having to farm for your own food or something? Something _normal_? Next time don't try so hard, savvy?"

"But I wasn't lying!" Sylvara cried indignantly, jumping up to her full five foot seven inches as she did so. She looked around wildly at the other Sues, blinking her long-lashed eyes fiercely as she tried to hold back tears. She noticed that all two thousand of the Sues were looking at her with blank expressions. "I'm telling the truth! Besides! I don't have the most unbelievable story here! Just ask _her_," here she pointed to a very pretty Sue that seemed to be glowing, "for hers!"

"What?" The sparkling Sue asked as all eyes switched from Sylvara to her. "I'm just some magical being that can switch into a Unicorn. A mentally deranged one, but a Unicorn all the same." All the Sues seemed to take this without thinking, and switched their eyes back to Sylvara.

In return, Sylvara gasped. "You don't tell me that you believe _her_ story, and not mine!? But that's _preposterous_! You won't consider my _helping_ a Unicorn, but you're accept her _believing _she's a Unicorn? You are all insane!"

"Looks like someone climbed up the crazy tree as a child," one Sue named Jane remarked, as her short, spiked blonde hair swayed slightly in the breeze, "and hit every branch on the way down."

"So true, Jane-Jane," another Sue by the name of Nicole responded with a nod of her head. She was wearing a crown of roses, her being the nature-loving Sue that she was. "I think she should seek 'special' help."

"And we should be the one to give it to her!" Lass yelled, punching her fist up in the air. "Savvy!?"

"Aye!" All the other Sues called back. All of them rushed along the deck of the Black Pearl towards Sylvara, and pounced upon her, creating a Sue dog-pile. A Mary Sue cat-fight ensued.

Meanwhile, back in the cabin, Will and Jack listened to the steadily growing fight. 

They were both still against the door, even though the Sues had long since given up trying to knock down the door. Instead, they chose to sit around and 'regain their composure'. That was a few hours ago, and since Jack and Will had no worrying to do for their lives -at the moment anyway- they were just sitting around, listening to their stories.

"How many times have I told you I hate you?" Jack asked as a loud smack was heard just behind the door. Obviously, one of the Sues had just been body-smacked. 

"I think we were up to two hundred thirty-eight."

"I hate you."

"Two hundred thirty-nine."

"Smarmy, two-faced, son of a-"

"Pirate?" Will asked hopefully. Jack sent him a glare. "Two hundred forty."

"WILL IS MINE!" One Sue shouted, just as a loud crack was heard. A succession of punches could be heard. "MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!"

"WHO BLOODY CARES ABOUT WILL?!" A different Sue answered back, presumably the one the previous Sue had been shouting at. "EVERYONE KNOWS JACK IS ONE FINE PIECE OF MALE ASS!"

A loud gasp went up just as the swear was done being said. All movement ceased beyond the door.

"René!" The self-appointed leader of the Sues, Alexandra, answered, sounding scandalized. "Did you forget rule number Four hundred forty-six of the Mary Sue Code? 'Never, ever, even if you are being held captive on a remote island where every word is a swear, cuss. Sues don't curse!' Just for that, you are kicked off this ship, and removed of your Mary Sueness."

René didn't move. "But it... it.. just came out! I.. I ... d-didn't mean it. _Please_ don't m-make me leave! PLEASE!"

"I'm sorry, René. But it is part of the Code. We must abide by the Code." There was a sigh. "Now. OUT."

René let out a very loud wail, and sunk to the floor. "P-please, Al-alexandra! It will n-never happen agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!"

Alexandra turned her head away. "I really don't want to do this. Don't make me get the Mother."

"N-no, any-anything but that!"'

"Good. Now. Get off this ship!"

René let out a blubber, yet got up off of the deck, and walked slowly off of the ship. It seemed like an hour before anything happened again.

"Bloody Hell," Jack said slowly as the Sues went to clean up the mess they had made on the deck. 

"Indeed."

Jack turned his head swiftly towards Will. "Did you jus' say indeed?" Will just nodded. "Yer gettin' weirder by the day, boy."

Will shrugged. "Comes with the territory." 

Jack nodded his head thoughtfully. "I see."

Will opened his mouth to respond, when a loud cheer went up from the Sues. Will and Jack exchanged glances, silently wondering what was going on. A moment passed between them.

"Well, aren't ye gonna check and see what's goin' on?"

"Me?" Will asked incredulously. "Why not you? Why is it always me?"

"'Cause yer younger than me. Can withstand more."

Will glared at Jack, all the while muttering, "Bloody Pirate,". He quietly got up of the ground, all the while noting how Jack slid off of the door. He unlocked the door, and slowly, ever do slowly, opened it. What he saw made him sink to the floor in shock.

"Hey," Jack said as he quickly relocked and closed the door. He waved a hand in front of Will's face. "Will. Whas' wrong? What'd ya see?"

Will just shook his head, still surprised. It took him a moment to realize where he was. 

"Mate?"

"They've got her."

"Who's got who. The Mary Sues? Who do they have? Not Norrington, I hope."

"I said her, dimwit," Will answered, his poise back. 

"I know."

Will rolled his eyes. "No, Jack. They don't have Norrington. Instead, they have..." He swallowed a lump in his throat.

"C'mon boy, who'd they have? Don't make me smack you."

Will swallowed again. "They have Elizabeth."

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Dun Dun Dun! Whatever will Will do? Muwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I'm so evil. Well, ok. Not really. But still. Don't take away my dream, man!

So, what'd ya think? I don't think I mentioned this, but Jack and Will were shirtless the entire time. ^_~ Thought you might like that. HeHe.

Anyhoo. There wasn't a lot of Will/Jack in this chapter. But there will be in the next one. HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT!

Well. I still need more Mary Sues. I need a new Self-Appointed leader, as... well. You'll just need to wait for the next chapter to see why. And I'm not sure who's gonna be the one Jack falls in love... lust... lurve with. So, yea.

As of now, my favorite Sue is Lass. Don't know why though, just is. Who's yours?

Well, I gotsta go.

Shalom. ::Wave::

Melissa


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